Finding Me Read online

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2020 by Stella Rainbow.

  Cover by Stella Rainbow.

  Image Courtesy: Pexels.

  This book is a work of fiction. All names, places, events and incidents are a product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any person, alive or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  All Rights Reserved. No part of this book should be reproduced in any way without the express permission of the author, except for brief quotations for the purpose of reviews.

  Warning:

  This book contains material that is intended for a mature, adult audience. It contains graphic language, explicit sexual content and adult situations.

  Summary

  Brady

  I thought I was happy with my life. I have a successful business, an awesome found family, a dog who is a bigger princess than me and volunteer work that keeps me busy and satisfied when nothing else does.

  I was content—and I’d thought I was happy, too—to live my life just like that. No mess. No one to demand things of me I wasn’t willing to give. No complications.

  But then I met Charlie.

  Charlie

  For my whole life, I’d been sure I was destined to live a half-life, to hide a part of myself so I wouldn’t lose the only two people I cared about. I was resigned to my fate.

  But when my dad died of a sudden heart attack, I realized life was too short to keep hiding. I moved to a new city, but I had no clue how to go about finding a part of myself that I’d buried so long ago.

  And then I met Brady.

  A man who is out and proud of who he is and a person who has spent their life hiding a part of themselves. Will they be able to forge a path together or would their differences end up pushing them away from each other?

  Trigger Warning:

  This book deals with gender identity issues like gender dysphoria. Please be aware of the triggers and avoid reading the book if any of these situations are a trigger for you.

  Remember to apply self-care after reading!

  Dedicated to:

  Lor (@apolloscelticswan on Instagram): For your help creating Charlie, for all the personal experiences you shared with me and for all the late-night and early-morning chats. I couldn’t have written this book without you.

  Layla and Sarah: For all the brainstorming sessions. Thank you!

  1 | Brady

  My eyes narrowed as I watched Dane—the new part-time Barista—snap at Mrs.Galloway, one of my oldest and sweetest customers. I should’ve known hiring someone who wasn’t a part of the Voice Out family would be a bad idea. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Dane was Kasey’s cousin, I never would have given him the job. But even so, a connection to my best employee and the all-around café wiz would only get him so far.

  I walked over to him and tapped his shoulder as he was in the process of preparing Mrs.Galloway’s order. He turned around to face me, a pleasant smile on his face. As if he could fool me. “Yes, boss?”

  “Go wait in my office, please. I need to talk to you.”

  His eyes widened before he shrugged his shoulders and left his spot to walk into the tiny office at the back of the café. If I hadn’t already decided to give him his last warning, that would’ve finalized it. You never leave your post with an open order, even if it was the boss calling.

  I gave Mrs.G a smile and listened to her cheerful chatter as I put together her box of cookies. Once she’d made the payment with her usual promise of coming back next week, I made my way to my office and found Dane sitting in the visitor’s chair, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently.

  He looked up as I came into the room, but I ignored him and walked around the desk, leaning my hip against it so I was facing him. Being barely five foot three inches in height, I’d always had to make sure I had a presence so people noticed me and once I’d discovered the kind of clothing I liked, it had been an easy feat. But my looks also meant that sometimes, people mistook me for a flaunty twink and though I was a flaunty, glitter loving twink, that wasn’t all I was. And people, especially guys like Dane, needed to see that. I stared at him impassively, cataloging each of his twitches and waited.

  One,

  Two,

  Three,

  “What’s wrong, boss?” And he broke the silence.

  “Dane, I’d like you to remember that the only reason you have this job is because I adore Kasey. I’ve just about had it with you treating my customers like shit because you don’t have your own shit sorted. Remember that these customers pay you. The tips you get from them will help you more than what you earn as a salary. And if I find you treating anyone, staff or customer, with anything but the utmost respect, you’re gone. Am I clear?”

  Dane opened his mouth and I could see that he was about to justify his actions with some shitty excuse, so I raised my hand to stop him from speaking. “I need a yes or a no, Dane. Nothing else.”

  He stared at me for a few seconds before sinking back in his seat. “Yes, I understand.”

  “Good. Now, get back to work, please.”

  Once he was out of the room, I relaxed and shook off the tension in my shoulders. I fucking hated acting stern and professional like that, but it was a requirement when running a successful business so it wasn’t like I could avoid it.

  Three years ago, my aunt Molly had died and left me this café. She’d been my favorite person in the world and also the woman who introduced me to makeup. When she left me the café, my parents expected me to sell it and continue on to college so I could become a therapist like they wanted me to. That hadn’t been what I'd wanted though, and so I'd focused on getting Bean Yourself up and running. My parents still haven’t forgiven me for that.

  After taking a few deep breaths to center myself, I left my office and headed back into the café. Despite being a good baker, my favorite part of the job was working behind the counter and interacting with my customers. Talking to people, even if it was just a few pleasantries exchanged, fulfilled me in a way nothing else did.

  That, along with my drive to help others, was what first led me to the doors of Voice Out three years ago. Now, it was as much a part of my life as Bean Yourself was. Talking to all those kids and helping them out in whatever way I could made me feel like I could do something, make a difference for someone.

  Add to it the fact that I’d made so many close friends through the non-profit over the years and I couldn’t imagine a life where I wasn’t a proud member of Voice Out.

  “Boss, your stalker is back,” Kasey whispered to me as I stepped in beside her. I turned to look at the table he usually occupied and there he was. The man had been showing up at the café for the past week. He’d come, get a coffee and sit at that table for hours. Now, that in itself wasn’t anything unusual, but a) He had no laptop or phone or anything that could possibly hold his attention for so long and b) I could swear on my life that every time I turned around, he was staring right at me.

  When I’d told Luke—one of my best friends—about him, he’d said that the man could be a homophobe looking to hurt me and that I should be careful. I’d spent a week trying to figure the man out, but nothing about him screamed homophobe or danger.

  With his baby blue eyes that he always kept lowered unless he was watching me, brown curls that framed his face in a mess of waves and a nicely trimmed beard, he looked everything but threatening.

  His good looks did not give him the permission to gawk at me though, and since my mood had already been soured, I decided to kill two birds with one stone. This needed to end now.

  “Gimme a minute,” I told Kasey and headed toward the table. I heard her mumble something that sounded a lot like “run, idiot, run,” but I ignored her as I reached the table.
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br />   The man looked up at me and his eyes widened when he realized who it was. Placing my palms on the table, I leaned forward and made sure he met my eyes as I spoke, “Alright, I’ve had enough. You have five minutes to explain what the fuck you think you’re doing by watching me for the past few days and I really hope you have a good explanation.”

  He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but then snapped it shut. His cheeks flushed pink and he looked kinda adorable as he scratched his beard. “Holy shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realize what I was doing or how it’d look like to you. God, I…” He trailed off, unsure how to continue but I could see the sincerity in his eyes, so I softened my stance and gave him a half smile, switching into Volunteer-Brady mode because something in me sensed he needed a gentler approach.

  “Okay, so I’m going to go back there and get you a tea and a slice of our best chocolate pastry and then you’re going to tell me whatever it is that made you come here, okay?”

  The man nodded immediately, his shoulders slumping in relief as he hesitantly returned my smile.

  “Stay here. And by the way, my name’s Brady Knight,” I told him, extending my hand.

  He shook it with a firm grip as he spoke, his voice a soft timbre that made me want to lean into him, “Charles De Luca.”

  I walked back to the counter to set up a tray for us. I’d worked with a lot of people over the years, and I prided myself on being able to judge whether a person could be believed or not. My instincts told me that I needed to hear Charles out. Maybe, he had a story to tell. And if he did, I’d only be too happy to listen to it.

  “Wow, you left him alive,” Kasey said in mock-wonder as I cut a slice of the chocolate pastry I’d promised him and asked her to make the tea.

  “Yeah, he seems like he needs someone to talk to, I don’t know,” I said with a shrug. “He told me he didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable and I believe him.”

  Kasey gave me a soft smile as she handed me the tea, “You’re a good guy, boss. Let me know if you need anything else.”

  I rolled my eyes at her as I placed the tea cup on my tray. Believing Charles didn’t make me a good guy, it just made me a decent human with killer instincts. Duh.

  “So!” I said, placing the tray before Charles and taking the seat across from him, “Tell me your story, Charles.”

  Charles gave a barely there wince when I spoke and I probably wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t already been watching him so closely. Working at Voice Out had taught me that sometimes our body told people more than our words could and right now, I got the feeling that something I’d just said had made Charles uncomfortable, though I wasn’t sure what exactly it had been.

  Charles scratched his beard as he picked up the tea and took a sip, immediately making a face that he tried to hide from me but failed.

  “Not a fan of tea, huh?” I chuckled.

  He gave me a sheepish grin and shook his head. “Sorry, I probably should’ve said something.”

  “It’s alright. Coffee?”

  “Nah, I’m good. This looks delicious,” Charles said, gesturing towards the pastry.

  “It is,” I told him with a grin. It wouldn’t be out for sale if it wasn’t the best.

  I waited for him to take a bite and he made a sound of approval as he ate, making me smile. I loved it when people appreciated anything we made at the café. Though I usually didn’t contribute a lot to the baking side of things, I loved showering the bakers with compliments, especially those that came straight from the customers. Watching their faces brighten up at the appreciation always warmed my heart and I couldn’t wait to tell Honey that his pastry had been well loved today.

  Charles looked at me once he’d swallowed the bite and I gave him an easy, encouraging smile and waited for him to speak. I wondered what his story was. What had made him want to watch me? Want to talk to me? It didn’t seem like he was interested in me, so what was it? My mind whirred like it usually did when I was talking to a new kid at the charity and I had to remind myself that Charles wasn't one of them. He appeared to be somewhere in his late twenties, so I guessed he wasn't much older than me. I turned my focus on him as I realized I was starting to drift and watched as he tried to gather himself.

  He licked his lips and I followed the tip of his tongue for a second before giving myself a shake. No. Don’t go there, Brady. The man is obviously not into you.

  “I moved here a week ago, just a couple blocks away. I came in for coffee one day and I saw you. I wasn’t trying to be creepy or stalk you, I promise. I was just trying to build up the courage to talk to you. I saw you and I wondered…I wondered if you were like me and I wanted to ask you that but I wasn’t sure if I should or even if I could. I’m really sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. That was not my intention at all.”

  “Please, Charles,” I said, and again, he twitched as if he was in pain. Was it the name? Had he given me a fake name? If so, who the fuck picks a stupid ass fake name like Charles? If I had to pick one, I'd probably go for something like Sparky or Nox.

  I shook the crazy thoughts away and focused on what he’d told me. “I forgive you. No need to apologize again. And can I ask what you meant by wondering if I was like you?” What could possibly be similar between us? Especially something that he’d related to just by looking at me?

  “Uh…” Charles looked around, as if unsure if he could say whatever he wanted to before turning to me. “Well, you wear make up and your clothes…” He waved a hand at my hot pink crop top in explanation and took a deep breath, seeming to gather his courage before continuing, “So I wondered if you were…maybe, non-binary-like-me.” He said the last few words in a rush, but I managed to catch them and it took me a minute to process them.

  He looked just about ready to bolt, with his hands gripping tightly on the arms of his chair, so I gave him a small smile to tell him that I wasn’t offended or uncomfortable in any way. My smile seemed to be enough to put him at ease and he released his grip on the chair.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  He nodded, albeit hesitantly and I continued, “Were you wondering if I was non-binary because you’re looking for people in the community or…?” I left the question open ended because I wasn’t sure exactly what I should add.

  He looked down at his plate before looking back up at me and giving me a sad, almost wistful smile. “I moved to this city in an attempt to find myself, in a way. And when I saw you, I thought maybe you could help me with that. I’m sorry, I was being stupid. I realize that now. I’ll get out of your hair and I promise not to be a creep anymore.”

  “No, wait!” I almost shouted as he started to get up. I hadn’t even realized he’d finished his pastry. When had he done that?

  He gave me a questioning look and I spoke without thinking, “I think I can help you, if you still want it. But it seems like we still have a lot to talk about. Do you think you could maybe drop by after six? I live upstairs, so maybe we can sit down, have dinner and a beer and you can tell me what I can help you with.” I would’ve preferred to talk to him now, since I wasn’t sure if he’d actually show up, but I also had a shit-load of work to do.

  He chewed his lip as he stared at me, contemplating my offer, “You really think you can help me?”

  “I’m not non-binary myself, but I do have friends who are. If nothing else, I can put you in contact with them if you want.”

  Charles nodded at me, took a deep breath and let it out before nodding again. “Okay, I’ll come by later.”

  “Great. See you later, Charles.”

  He tried to pay for the tea and pastry but I waved him off. Once he was gone, I leaned back in my seat and wondered exactly what I'd gotten myself into.

  I grinned as I wondered what Luke would say if I told him I invited my stalker to my house. He’d probably flip his shit. Even so, my thoughts went back to Charles. He definitely had a story to tell, that I was sure of. The question was, why was I so interested in i
t?

  2 | Charles

  I paced the length of my living room as my eyes drifted back to the clock once again. Fifteen minutes till I had to be at Brady’s café. I still didn’t know what to think of the man. I’d been absolutely mortified when I’d realized that I’d unintentionally scared him by watching him and now here I was, about to talk to him for the second time today. I had no clue what I was going to tell him, but I knew that if I wanted to accomplish what I’d moved here for, I needed to do this. If I kept waiting, I’d just keep making excuses and making myself miserable for even longer. I didn’t need to do that anymore. For the first time in my life, I had a chance to be myself, to be true to the person I was on the inside and I did not want to give up on this chance.

  I sat down on the floor in the middle of the room and closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself. I could do this. I could be myself without freaking out and I could go talk to Brady about this. Even though we’d only talked for a few minutes, I’d felt a sense of ease when talking to him. His kind smile and his accepting words had told me that he just might be who I needed.

  I wasn’t sure when I decided that I needed a person with me on this journey of finding myself that I planned to take on, but Brady Knight seemed like just the right person to help me out. I just hoped this evening with him would pass as easily as our first official meet had.

  Feeling calmer and more in control of myself, I stood up and headed towards the front door. Just as I was about to open the door, I spotted the wrap I’d bought a few days ago hanging from the coat rack and came to a standstill before it. Could I wear it tonight? I’d never worn it before, always chickening out at the last moment. Brady was always so confident in the clothes he wore. Why couldn’t I do the same? The wrap was obviously made for women and was supposed to be worn without a shirt, but I’d fallen in love with it when I’d seen it in the store. I’d planned to wear it as a jacket but never quite managed to. It was black and made of a shimmery soft cloth that I really wanted to see draped over my skin.